beneath those hands...

grounded

2011-10-10T14:23:00.004+08:00

We all forget sometimes.

But if we ignore it at times we do remember,

eventually we'd forget it all.

A pat on the back

2011-09-19T13:50:00.001+08:00

Sometimes,

it's so easy to form a thought,

easy to laugh aloud,

easy to assume,

easy to judge.

Why is it so hard?

When we know that once in a while,

even you and I

need a break,

some sympathy,

a little understanding and

at times,

just the benefit of a doubt.

This is what I sound like

2011-08-13T15:03:00.003+08:00

I'm old enough to know that words are merely words. Most of the time, it means nothing. Most of the time, it's temporary. It only lasts long enough to disappoint you. Disappointment stays. And to think that words can change that is an understatement.

Yes, it is a new day... but yesterday still happened, I'm still torn and you're still finding the right words to say.

Hand please..

2011-06-05T16:34:00.000+08:00

Toast to life

2011-04-22T14:48:00.000+08:00

All the things we dreamt of being.

All the things we swore we wouldn't be.

Look how far we've fallen.

Mr. T

2011-04-04T22:14:00.000+08:00

Happy 68th Birthday, Papa!

I love you!

knots

2011-01-31T15:07:00.000+08:00

Just when I thought I had it all figured out...

Wrinkles

2011-01-12T21:35:00.000+08:00

“Don’t look back”.

Why not?

After all, the past is what shaped who we are today.

Like how our mistakes make us think twice of the consequences that follow.

Like how regret makes us more aware of the decisions we make.

Like how loss makes us appreciate the people we love.

Like how time wasted make us focus more on things that matter.

And yes, just like how this cold, rainy season is going to make me bask in the sun when it comes out! (grin)

None the less, it does not define our self worth nor does it determine the future we deserve.

But it’s a stepping stone towards the choices we will make in our future-- the voice in our head standing beside our conscience.

So I would say that it’s okay to look back.

Because looking back once in awhile assures that we are still aware.

Bearing in mind of things that occurred in our lives keep us out of denial.

And keeping track of our mistakes gets us a hold of our egos.

Most importantly, it makes us cherish the people who are standing beside us despite our past.

Besides, who wants to be foolish all their lives, right?

Non-believer

2010-11-06T14:44:00.001+08:00

You were a good thing...
in a world gone wrong.

Reservations

2010-10-31T14:49:00.000+08:00

            Feelings are easy to fake.
But yesterday....
            We both know it happened.

The funeral

2010-10-24T15:56:00.000+08:00

The day I buried you in my past.

Fall-back crutch

2010-10-16T23:06:00.000+08:00

+ When you're a stranger:

Trying to act normal would just be the most logical thing to do.

+ When you're invincible:

Being a little less concern would be the perfect solution not to look like a fool.

+ When you mean nothing:

Walking away is just the most decent thing to do.

* Everybody's saying everything is alright but i can't see the end of all the lies.

over-reaching

2010-10-09T00:52:00.001+08:00

Things we want in life:

1) to be ourselves

2) to be understood

3) to be accepted

Things we do not realize:

1) wanting to be 'ourselves' is just an excuse for our bad habits we call a 'routine'

2) wanting to be understood is just an excuse for our lack of sensitivity

3) wanting to be accepted is just an excuse for selfish-human-behavior

See, if all we crave in life is for people to understand and accept us, when will it be time for others?

After all, you and me.... we're no different.

Pseudonyms

2010-08-23T17:26:00.001+08:00

"I know you"

Pretty daring statement, don't you think?

Everyone thinks they know someone.
Some even find comfort in it...

But how well do you know a person to have the right to actually admit it out loud?
and is it even possible?

"I know you"

Well.... if you say so.

Untouched and intact

2010-08-22T17:30:00.000+08:00

We all try to measure up to something or someone. Either this ideal person we create in our head or this person people expect us to be.

Since I was little, maybe partly from being the youngest, all I wanted to be was everything other than what people expected out of me. In other words, I'm literally that stubborn little creature who eventually just grew up finding it to be a habit-- a habit that can be bad at times. Well, sometimes.

Some call it stubborn, some call it headstrong...

but I think I'm just determined.

crappy throwaway

2010-08-09T16:35:00.000+08:00

It's just getting too monotonous...

Monotonous is fine.

I hate 'fine'.

harder than easy

2010-06-29T13:13:00.000+08:00

"So you think that Im harder than easy,

And you find me as strange as the truth

I'm as guilty of judging as you are,

But the difference is I dont judge you"

the leaving dance

2010-06-01T18:10:00.000+08:00

It starts with heartaches,

it runs with tears...

It starts with a fake smile,

then a sense of ignorance...

It starts with a laughter or two,

then a sense of belonging...

It starts with a leaving dance,

it starts with you.

Sunshine on the inside

2010-05-22T15:49:00.000+08:00

They didn't need much, just company.

Miss their smiles...

maybe

2010-05-12T10:49:00.000+08:00

Maybe I've never tried to unsderstand you,
maybe I judge too much.
Maybe support is rarely what you get,
maybe pressure is all I create.
Maybe envy is what is growing inside of me,
not true sincerity.

or

maybe it's ust what you see,
and what you choose to believe.

Maybe.

struggling

2010-05-04T14:19:00.000+08:00

I'm trying...

I'm struggling.

A struggle feels like a stone trying to float...

It feels impossible.

now.

i'll be there

2010-04-26T01:30:00.000+08:00

Just call my name...

...just like you found me

2010-04-23T23:01:00.003+08:00

You left me...

just like you found me.

24

2010-04-21T14:24:00.000+08:00

"You're only 24".

Yes, I am.

Do it anyway

2010-04-17T18:17:00.011+08:00

When you're promised something, you look forward to it when it's really what you want. Then at the very last minute, those promises are taken away from you without a say.

"Circumstances", they say.

You try hard to run it through your brain to accept it but you can't. Then they offer you something similar, but just not what you wanted.

"It's practically the same", they say.

So you finally convince yourself that there's no room in being choosy and that you can't always get what you want. So, you take it anyway.

There are always choices even when it seems unlikely. It's just whether it's fulfilling or settling. Of course, 'settling' doesn't sound good at all. But it is indeed the next best thing (which is subjective). You see, we all know the difference when you get what you want, and you 'settle' for the latter-- Passion. Some people lose it straight away and others gain it back. But it's never easy to do what you don't desire. Especially when you have to do it on your own.

I guess everyone goes through this once in awhile--from minor everyday stuff to really major choices in their lives. Some people can settle with it and get good outcomes and never regret it. Others, not quite lucky. There would always be this feeling in you that every once in awhile, when those rainy days come, you'd think to yourself, "why did I choose this in the first place".

Yes, I've been having those thoughts lately. More vigorous than ever. But I guess I don't have the heart to just quit. There are so many things at stake. Just sometimes, a little support goes a long way. It's bad enough that I'm running low on passion having to settle down doing something I don't want to, it's worse that I have to do it alone. But whatever it is, I just have to do it anyway. As pathetic as it may sound, I wish that it'll be worth it.

"God is a great... but sometimes life ain't good. But when I pray, it doesn't always turn out like I think it should. But I do it anyway".

Let it speak for itself

2010-02-14T18:31:00.002+08:00

then and now

2010-02-08T12:18:00.004+08:00

Yes... by this time, at this age, I should be able to adapt with it - changes. I'm trying to cope with it but lately I feel like as if the world is moving too fast for me as things change before I could grab a hold of anything and I'm left floating in space with no direction.

A year ago, he was my flanker. When things went wrong, he'd always just repeat the same words with the same intonation, and I'd always be ok.

"Pelan-pelan kayuh..."

"Hang tough, big girl"...

A year ago during CNY, we were siting at the round table laughing our asses off and hiding it from the 'wives'. Although I was a newbie, it felt like family. They would always tease me running out of C12 and they'd be on skype showing off.

Less then a year ago, the 4 of us were tight.. When one of us was having a bad day, we'd just start the engine and drive somewhere, we'd sit for a while and leave our sorrows there and drive back home. Distance wasn't an issue. Words weren't either. We'd never have to say anything to eachother. We'd just know.

Less then a year ago, us 3 girls were like sisters. We would always be 'somewhere' doing 'something'. It didn't matter what or where as long as we'd have eachother, we would always have a blast.

Only months ago, we used to go out around 3am and come back by dawn. We'd see eachother every Sunday and he'd always make me talk the whole time til I eventually got used to it.

Now, we only talk once and awhile - flanker and I. Conversations are just awkward and limited. He's happily engaged and starting a new life.

This year for CNY, I won't be joining them. Just like a few others. We haven't even talked much lately.

At this time, we're so close yet so far. There's just an occasional 'hye' and that's it.

She went back to Sabah. Now there's the 2 of us. I still have one sister but it's not the same. 3 heads are still better than 2.

He refuses to see me. It's ok. It's my fault. I come back and find my things in my room. He left them there with a note.

So yea... things change too fast. It didn't matter how hard it got before this coz I would always have people to fall back on. Now, on rainy days, it gets so hard. I miss them so much..

silent note to someone far way...

2010-02-05T15:29:00.002+08:00

Even if I blow up and even if he blows up, we promised to never leave one another...

I guess it came to an end after all. Just like everything else.

He'd take a bullet for me you know... right on his left shoulder.

Could I ask for more?

I miss you, flanker. I wish I could rewind everything and do it a different way. But then again, I believe that you're happy now and I wish you all the best in life. Just want you to know that I love you and always will.

fighting temptations

2010-01-22T10:37:00.002+08:00

Being strong is to be okay around things we want but can't have...

chasing after shadows

2010-01-20T00:51:00.002+08:00

It seems natural for people to want something they can't have and ignore what they are offered.

---to chase for something that is hard to get rather than settle down for what is certain.

Reminds me of Papa's flowerhorn, Bakoso. Damn picky that fish! It would rather starve than eat slow fishes.

I guess it's all about the chase, the excitement...

when the plane takes off

2010-01-11T10:59:00.003+08:00

He will miss you...

but so will I.

Take care dear...

I love you!

dear....

2009-12-03T15:36:00.002+08:00

Things aren't always as it seems... haven't life taught you better?

how small is small?

2009-11-04T10:33:00.003+08:00

small things can bring a big effect. sometimes, we underestimate how a little wave can actually drown us. often, we just look out for the big waves ruling out that the little ones would just break in a second.

sometimes, tremendous consequences come from little things. those little things that we overlook could make a huge difference to ourselves or others, presence or future and even to make peace with the past.

As the saying goes... "a small leak can sink a great ship".

annoyed

2009-10-27T21:31:00.002+08:00

At times like these, I think I finally understand why being silent is much better.

No, it's not that I don't have a sense of humour.

It's just not that funny.

As I always say... I'm not depressed, I'm just annoyed.

Audacity is not greed

2009-10-18T16:03:00.002+08:00

Some people stick with the decisions they make no matter the obstacles or better choices placed in front of them. Others explore their options til the very end and settle with the best they can get.

Do we call the 1st group thankful and the 2nd unsatisfied and greedy? or do we see the 1st as really just comfortable and the 2nd just plain audacious?

Hmm... I wonder..

Distance

2009-10-17T00:21:00.002+08:00

Distance made you lose trust in me, made me get bored with you, made you lose interest and made me sick of your neverending demand for me to report everything back to you. It only brought us apart when we suddenly forgot eachother when we woke up and right before we closed our eyes. Being apart had us arguing about nonsense, bringing the worse out of us. Distance taught us doubt, jealousy, impatience, anger and frustration.

Distance brought an end to 'us'.

But then again, what did distance have to do with all of that?
Distance was just an excuse to stop the blame game.

To think that we would be able to get through anything after what we've been through before is an understatement.

intensity in silence

2009-09-04T13:35:00.003+08:00

When there's nothing left to say....

The world doesn't stop for you

2009-08-24T10:29:00.004+08:00

Planning to listen in the future doesn't make you a good listener
Planning to have a better day doesn't blow all your troubles away
Planning not to hurt others doesn't stop you from hurting them
Planning to make everything okay just won't make it okay
Planning to not make me cry anymore won't stop my tears
Planning to be a better guy doesn't make you one
Planning to fix it....?
Planning to fix it doesn't assure that it won't break again

I'll still be bitter,
and you'd still be sorry.

Planning doesn't get you anywhere....

Not unless you do something.

While you're busy planning, the earth is still spinning, and people are still changing. When you've finished planning, you might just lose the chance to carry out what you have planned.

But then again, that's if you wish to carry it out in the first place.

The talking dummy

2009-08-17T10:30:00.003+08:00

Why is it if a guy who's controlling, he's never called a king control? but when a girl tries to say what she thinks, she is called queen control? Just like there's all these names given to girls like bitch, whore, slut etc and not for guys. Even in vocabulary, we can see that it's all gender-biased.

I'm tired with all these people judging my role in my personal relationship which doesn't concern them. So what if I'm a girlfriend who actually has my own thoughts and views? So what if I tell someone off if I don't agree? I can be passive anytime of the day. It's easier. Cause rather than wasting my time thinking bout it, I could just nod to everything you say. Wouldn't that be nice?

Yea... if I was a dummy and you were a ventriloquist.

being needy is just not my style

2009-08-14T14:03:00.004+08:00

Instead of trying to listen, people rather make their own assumptions and turn their backs on us. So, is it our fault if we rather not say anything? Sharing is a privilege. A privilege you earn with certain grace.

So stop asking why if you don't want to listen.

Stop blaming me for not wanting to tell you if you were never willing to understand in the first place.

Still do

2009-08-05T20:41:00.002+08:00

I wake up every morning with one hope- that my day would be fine or at least better then the one before. Great? That's like reaching for the stars. So yea... I start small. Fine or better. That should be enough, no?

So, I smile, I try so hard to make him smile. Have all of it planned in my head what my day is gonna be like. All through the day, I keep that small little thought in mind. But apparently, nothing works. It doesn't last. Suddenly, it feels like yesterday is repeating itself again and again.

Yet everyday, no matter how hurt I am, or how much I think I'm running out of patience, I still hope anyway. I still try anyway. I still smile anyway. Cause deep down, I still want my day to be better and I still want him to smile.

no option

2009-08-02T14:08:00.002+08:00

We always say the things we mean. Especially when we don't think first and when our mood catches up on us. Anger, frustration, stress, fatigue. Emotions rise up and we say what we feel rather than what others wanna hear. That's when we know when others are saying the truth. When they can't control it.

Sometimes, even small things can become a huge matter. It all depends on the situation and obviously the people involved. Sometimes, it hurts a lot when it comes from someone you love. Though you've heard it a thousand times, but when it comes from that particular person, it takes a toll on you and suddenly you feel like you've been stabbed right through the heart (No. I'm not exaggerating).

Then there are moments when it happens, you can't help but doubt the choices you made in the first place and whether it's all worth it. In those times, all you need is just assurance or at least a bit of light that every effort and sacrifice is actually worth it. Or else, all you can think of is giving up and giving up is not an option...

It's not an option.

~_~

2009-07-28T21:28:00.004+08:00

Mmmm ~_~

(supposed to be my new header. but i love my current one. so i'm not changing it. but yes, this is how i feel now. underneath those hands)

no beauty in perfection

2009-07-27T13:37:00.004+08:00

The moment we stop looking for perfection, that's when we find ourselves loving the imperfections.

Suddenly, perfect doesn't seem important anymore.

When we stop judging.

Intertwine

2009-07-26T17:04:00.003+08:00

Getting tangled up isn't that bad.

It feels kind of nice.

No, it feels great ~_~

free fallin

2009-07-25T17:04:00.001+08:00

Now I'm free fallin'....

"what does it mean?"

2009-07-20T15:51:00.005+08:00

"Para siempre"

~_~

Am I?

2009-07-17T22:53:00.000+08:00

I'm a thief ~_~

I stole his heart ^_^

You will always be one

2009-07-10T16:39:00.002+08:00

"Sorry to say la. Tapi mmg sy tgk org cina lagi bagus dpd org melayu. Saye malu la org melayu cmni".

Words that came from a Malay man. Pathetic.

Come on. You're one and you will always be one. No matter how great you think you are, you're still a Malay.

Arghhh.... aku yang tomayam pun tak cakap gitu kot. ****!

I don't know what point he's trying to make. He went on and on babbling about how we didn't do things willingly. Macam tak ikhlas.

"Buat la ikhlas sket. Dapat pahala sket".

Who is he to even judge and decide who gets what? You don't go around saying things like that and stereotyping people by race and stuff. You just don't.

Fewh......

2009-07-06T17:44:00.002+08:00

No man can think clearly when his fists are clenched

-George Jean Nathan-

*breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out*

*fewh*

Thank God I'm fasting today.

They say, I say

2009-07-03T02:00:00.005+08:00

A said that most people usually try their best to get someone they want but after they do, it ends there. Kind of all into the rush kind of thing. But if we have what's best at heart, everything will be fine and even the hardest relationship can work out.

B said that at this age, it's no more play time. It comes down to a future ahead or nothing at all. So jumping into a relationship is serious. Therefore, taking time is definitely the right step.

C said that in matters like these, one needs a whole lot of courage and if we really like the person. we'd have to brace ourselves despite our fears.

D said that when there's no spark, there's no spark. Communication is very important. It's there or it isn't. Nothing in between.

E said that it's not about how hard or easy it is. It just comes down to whether you want it or you don't.

F said that thinking too much spoils things. Less thinking and more doing will get us somewhere.

I just want a person I could overcome my fears with. Not someone who adds it on. I need a person I could talk to about anything and everything. Not a person that would judge my thoughts and views. I want a person that could just see me for who I am and not wanting me to be who I'm not.

When I find that someone, everything above wouldn't be a problem. But as for now, it would remain fuzzy. I don't want to jump in if I'm not sure. And I want to be sure.

Jinx

2009-06-30T13:50:00.002+08:00

After a series of bad luck yesterday....

"Mandi bunga la, Alyn".

Ouch.

only then

2009-06-27T10:35:00.002+08:00

You don't need to understand.

You just need to stop judging.

Only then, you'll see the beauty of it all.

happy bday lil girl

2009-06-22T10:23:00.005+08:00

Happy birthday little girl!
May your life never run out of colour...

Happy Father's Day, Papa...

2009-06-21T16:35:00.003+08:00

Happy Father's Day, Papa.

I'll always be your little girl.

I almost forgot

2009-06-20T03:04:00.005+08:00

Was going through pictures last night and I came upon this.
Can't believe I almost forgot that side of me.

My face says it all?
Miss it then.
When it didn't take much to smile.

(Yes... I wasn't always depressed)

Credits to Muna.

C’est La vie, C’est La chance, C’est L’amour

2009-06-19T21:28:00.002+08:00

I don't want to have to compromise myself.
I wanna be able to be me.
I find it easier to do so when I'm on my own.
So give me time to remind myself of who I am.
Cause I feel like I'm losing 'me'.
If that makes me selfish, then so be it.
Cause so are you if you won't let me.

darn it!

2009-06-17T23:33:00.003+08:00

When all I feel like is crying...

*darn*

Okay dear...

2009-06-16T22:32:00.004+08:00

His first try. Quite good, huh?

*wink*

"We'll go again from time to time, k?"

Okay dear.

(anyway, see the upper left side corner? NICE.)

tribute to a friend

2009-06-14T12:11:00.003+08:00

We both have our own life now. But this strip I sketched before still stands. We both have gone our own way, but if you need a hand, I'm always here.

Be happy, dear. Be happy.

i'm not bitter

2009-06-12T22:44:00.003+08:00

I hate the space that's keeping us apart.

I envy the air surrounding you.

I resent the sand you hold in your hand.

I'm not bitter.

I just miss you.

Commitment-phobics

2009-06-10T17:19:00.008+08:00

Are people who commit, brave?

Are people who don't, cowards?

To me, commitment needs a whole lot of patience, consideration and tolerance.
If you have none of these, then don't.
If you have it but the other doesn't, don't either.
Cause it'll never work.
It takes a whole lot more than just butterflies in your stomach.
Come on... we don't live on Cloud 9 and relationships doesn't work out on it's own.

So, doesn't mean that if we don't commit, we're cowards. We just know better.

"You can be in love and you can be in a relationship. But they're not always the same thing. " -Iain Thomas-

At times like these

2009-06-10T12:59:00.003+08:00

I figured by now, people would understand and be able to consider a little bit. I guess I was wrong. It shows that no matter how much time we spend around eachother, it doesn't mean that we know one another. Or maybe we do know, just that we rather be ignorant.

When I'm nice, doesn't mean I don't care. Doesn't mean everything is okay. And when I'm moody or pissed off, doesn't mean that I'm having my period (duhh) or that I just wanna be for no particular reason. People don't just get mad out of the blue. Though I am depressed as everyone calls me, doesn't mean that I don't try to be happy. I want to be.

There are some things we shouldn't NEED to say to others. We are all adults. If every little thing needs to be explained, then why have brains and conscience? Why do our parents focus so hard on teaching us manners? If we want people to respect us, then we should give the same. If we want people to consider our needs, then we should be able to do the same.

I'm the youngest child. Yet, your theory doesn't seem to apply to me. Sometimes, I wanna know how it feels like to be the youngest when every little need is fulfilled. When selfish is the only way to go. Sometimes.

Yea... at times like these.

Is that too much that I'm asking for?

2009-06-08T21:04:00.006+08:00

Will you jump with me?
Yes, I may be crazy.
But, will you?

An understatement

2009-06-07T15:10:00.003+08:00

Life's been so complicated lately.
Okay, now that's an understatement.
My life has always been complicated.

Guess that's one of the reasons why people leave.
Yea... people always leave.
I guess I drive them away.

Through thick and thin just doesn't apply...
When the going gets rough,
everybody bails.

So I never get to see it for myself
other than what might have been...

life ain't no beauty show

2009-06-06T00:50:00.003+08:00

That's all that I need.... right now.

Everywhere someone's getting over
Everybody cries and sometimes
You can still lose even if you really try
Talking 'bout the dream like the dream is over
Talk like that won't get you nowhere
Everybody's trusting in the heart
Like the heart don't lie
And that's all that I need, yeah
Someone else to cling to
Someone I can lean on until
I don't need to
Just stay all through the night
And in the morning let me down
Cuz that's all that I need, right now
Everywhere someone's getting over
Everybody's lied to someone
People still use other people
With a crooked smile
And all around the world
There's a sinking feeling
Out there right now
Someone's really
Down on themselves
And don't know why
That's all that I need, yeah
Someone else to cling to
Someone I can lean on until
I don't need to
Just stay all through the night
And in the morning let me down
Cuz that's all that I need right now
Life ain't no
Beauty show
We don't know where tomorrow ends
And when we're sad
It's kind of a drag
Just stay all through the night
And in the morning let me down
Cuz that's all that I need, yeah
That's all that I need
That's all that I need right now
Right now

-All I need (Matchbox 20)-

Competition

2009-06-04T09:30:00.002+08:00

There are times you're not sure you want something but when one day you see others eyeing on it, you try your hardest to get it, being convinced that there has to be something special about it that could attract that much attention although you don't know what it may be.

Competition makes people work harder and push themselves. It's natural. Everyone wants to win. Nobody wants to be the loser but when you try your hardest JUST cause there's competition, and when the threat is no longer there, you stop, are you actually a winner? Are you then worthy of the prize?

Then you decide that you didn't actually want it. Is it fair? - to the people who wanted it in the first place and to the thing itself that could've been placed with a rightful owner? What do you have to prove to yourself by winning something you don't want?

Over-rated

2009-06-03T23:41:00.003+08:00

Appreciation doesn't come with just words. "Thank you" is over-rated. It's the way you treat a person when they're around and not when you realize what they've done for you after they're gone.

Don't waste away the time you have around the people who care about you with hurtful words (intentionally or unintentionally), rude remarks, bad attitude and just plain ignorance. Patience has its limit. Not love. But the will to love.

courage or effort

2009-06-01T11:34:00.004+08:00

one needs a whole lot of courage and not that much effort...

the other needs just a little courage but a whole lot of effort.

*thinking*

courage or effort?

lonely mood

2009-05-31T14:39:00.001+08:00

life's complicated enough.

screw awkward.

No angel

2009-05-28T17:29:00.002+08:00

It seems that you expected an angel. And I'm not it. I know I'm not. Now you know that the picture you drew of me was just an illusion. I'm sorry to disappoint you.

esp dedicated to farah reen!!

2009-05-26T13:01:00.000+08:00

those lil thins left unsaid

2009-05-25T16:32:00.005+08:00

Sometimes, the little things you keep to yourself could make a huge difference if you let it out.

Say what you want before it's too late.

Cause the world won't stop for you.

*huge pause + sigh*

It broke my heart seeing you leave like that...

Oh Bulan....

2009-05-24T14:29:00.011+08:00

Miss you...

a fine mess

2009-05-23T14:12:00.002+08:00

Though yesterday was a definite disaster and wasn't my day at all, but today definitely is-

awkward yet fulfilling.

courage under fire

2009-05-23T12:18:00.003+08:00

I need someone who's courage to jump in could cover mine. Someone who loves me despite my flaws. Someone who would sweep me off my feet but yet catch me before I hit the ground.

I don't want you to want me just cause I'm here. I want you to want me cause you don't want anyone else. I don't want you to want me cause you think there might be something there. I want you to want me cause you know for a certain that it's there. I want to be wanted for who I am not for who you want me to be.

Try it

2009-05-21T20:03:00.002+08:00

I don't ask for much but for just a little consideration.

It's common sense, logic, manners, morality...

it's not THAT hard.

Try it.

friend

2009-05-21T18:45:00.005+08:00

Don't call me a friend if this is how you treat me.

If to you this is called friendship, then you can take it and shove it up your a**!

Thanx a lot, 'friend'.

Stick with it

2009-05-20T14:59:00.002+08:00

Changing one's mind is normal. People change their mind all the time. Sticking with a decision is almost impossible. Okay... maybe not impossible, but just rare.

When you've made up your mind at the present moment, everything seems so certain as if you'd never budge. Then when you've gotten a glimpse of the other road (which at first seems so different than the present one), you tend to lose the beauty of the road you've taken. Yeap... the grass is always greener on the other side (only from where you're standing). So it seems.

You say to yourself, "I've never felt like this before". You believe that right up til you come upon another road. Then you repeat the same words. Only that you don't see the pattern.

The thing is, you'll never know which has more to offer or which is better. There are things that you choose for particular reasons and you stick with it despite everything else. Never compare cause you won't get anywhere. You finish the whole ice cream. You don't lick it and put it back, try another and decide to have the previous one cause it actually tastes better.

Flanker

2009-05-19T11:18:00.003+08:00

Remember how we used to never get tired of talking to eachother? We could go on for 6 hours just going on about crap despite the every 1 and a half hour cut-off. Even not getting enough sleep and sometimes no sleep at all was never the problem.

Now, since we chose our separate ways, even your 'hello' sounds different. (Not that I'm complaining). I may act as if I don't mind it at all... as if I still stand by my word and our agreement, but deep down, I miss my best friend. I do. And I can't tell you that when I know that you'd say, "you'd be fine in no time". I know I will but it doesn't kill the fact that I miss you.

We've been through a whole lot together and I've never despised you for anything that has happened. I wanna say that all of it has shaped who we are today. But, I can't. Yes, maybe we've grown to be independent. We don't rely on eachother like we used to. No more sharing... but is it a good thing? Hmm... We hardly even talk. And I've missed out on so much. And when we do try to talk, there's that awkward pause that just doesn't feel right- as if we're holding back. I don't wanna hold back. I don't see why I've got to.

"I'm your flanker... don't worry... just run straight forward. Won't let nobody tackle you down. If the goin gets rough, don't have to look back. Just throw the ball, I'll be there to catch it"

That's what you told me once. But you're not there anymore.

*long sigh*

I miss you.

remember

2009-05-14T17:05:00.002+08:00

"i'm here. don't forget that"

*pause*

and i love you for that...

so, are you up for it?

2009-05-13T12:42:00.002+08:00

you don't dip your foot in to feel the warmth of the water and pull it back when it's too cold.

you jump in with both feet and deal with it.

let me go

2009-05-13T00:12:00.002+08:00

i've hurt you in the past

and now you've found happiness..

so let me go...

and let me have mine...

burnt finger

2009-05-05T09:43:00.002+08:00

Situations throughout the past week:

1) Firefly

First comment: “a little bit warm”.

Bo’s respond: “that’s cause the fan’s outside”.

Hahaha??

2) Drugged

After the jab- 10pm til 10am: ZzzzzZzz

10am: Zzzzz (on the couch)

2pm til 5pm: Zzzz

11pm til 9am: ZzzzZZzzz

3) Why la, dei??

Me: “mika… who’s this?” (finger pointing at myself)

Mika: “dei….”

Aaaa? Say what?? Aihs...

4) Home-town cuisines?

Bfast:

*wonder what's for breakfast....*

Mama: "you can have oats"

Lunch:

*smells good*

Mama: "that's not yours. that's yours"

Me: "steamed fish?"

Dinner:

*salad???*

5) Drama

*call*

Me: "hello"

Angry-fella: "can you please tell this person beside me that we're not together. that ur not my gf"

*huh?!*

6) Ipoh-mali

*bus back to KT*

Orang Ipoh jauh: (pick-up line hampeh) "G Tganu brp jam eyh?"

Me: "8 hrs. 1st time?"

Orang Ipoh jauh: "1st time naek siang"

Me: *Crap!*

- - - - -

Orang Ipoh jauh: “don’t judge a book by it’s cover. Like you, tak pakai tudung and all, but biase puase. Salute uh.

Me: “errr….”

Orang Ipoh jauh: “Puase yang bagus Isnin and…?”

Me: “Isnin ngn Khamis la”

Orang Ipoh jauh: “eyh? Mmg bgs puase Isnin n Khamis eyh?”

Me: (monolog) “aku tomyam ke ko yg tomyam”

*blablabla.... annoying*

After 10 hours of torture-

*Me waving....*

Orang Ipoh jauh: (face changed)

Me: “that’s my bf and my friend”

*victory!*

7) When lightning strikes

Aini: "Al... xde electric la"

*Crap*

After everything was fixed (fuse burnt)

*Damn. Modem kong!*

8) Missed opportunity

H: "you free this wkend?"

Me: "going off somewhere. y?"

H: *sweet opportunity for extra income*

*Darn!*

Quote of the day:

"when you're not supposed to touch the hot plate, the best moment is right before you touch it. after that, you're just an idiot with a burnt finger"

i know. no significance. don't care.

I'm going home

2009-04-29T18:49:00.002+08:00

Didn't mean to sulk.

Don't even like to.

But you don't get it.

It's not that I want to.

It's ok. Time off.

Enjoy every moment of it.

lablablab

2009-04-28T12:40:00.003+08:00

no mood. wanna go home. need to go home. longing to go home. aih....

when i come back, hope that i'll get back my momentum!

plans:

*lab lab lab

*KL - jab etc.

*lab lab lab

*swimming

*lab lab lab

*cameron

*lab lab lab

*perhentian

*lab lab lab

*perhentian again

*lab lab lab

friggin labbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb all d way.

big grin

2009-04-25T00:26:00.001+08:00

the stupidest things happen when i'm with you...

*big grin*

makes me smile though.

pause

2009-04-23T00:18:00.001+08:00

"who am I to u right now?"

*pause

more than you know...

privilege

2009-04-19T15:28:00.002+08:00

You have so many choices in life. Well, maybe not so many. But you do have choices. And most of what happens in life, are reflections of your choices. Even if we don't like the aftermath, we've gotta deal with it cause basically it's like a domino effect. You push, it falls. It all comes from you.

Are choices a good thing? Or is it the other way around? Sometimes, when we are given many choices, and the privilege to choose,we tend to lose the beauty of it and what we really want. We focus more on what each can offer us... and which is well worth our effort. Then we sit on top of all of it trying our best to think of how we could ever get all of it. Ala... biase la. Kalau dah byk pilihan, mate pun jd rambang.

Then, the worst thing is when we took all that time to figure out which road to take... that in the end, when we're finally ready, we realize that those choices are all gone. privilege? U earn it.

delicate

2009-04-17T13:46:00.003+08:00

"we might hold hands when nobody's watching...
it's not that we're scared...
just that it's delicate"

on that day

2009-04-16T01:43:00.003+08:00

It's just the way I am...
Let it be..
Cause one day I'll jump when I'm ready..
I hope you'd be there to catch me.

.... on that day, the get up kids will be playing "i'll catch you"..

hopefully.

running low...

2009-04-12T15:34:00.003+08:00

A lot has happened over these past few weeks. But haven't had the time to really go through it one by one. And I don't mean here but even in my head. Don't have the energy either. A lot has been put on hold. Things that USUALLY I'd be blowing my brain out trying to figure out (which doesn't mean solving but just making myself depressed). So I guess it's a good thing being busy and too tired to even think about all that.

It seems.

Maybe, it'll catch up to me. Then what?

Hmm.. rather not think about it now.

Goodbye...

2009-04-07T14:29:00.003+08:00

I guess this is goodbye...

I love you...

2009-04-04T21:29:00.003+08:00

Miss my dad badly today which explains why I've been wearing Papa's Nike Golf shirt (which is big enough to be pjs) all day long even out to eat. Yes guyz, I look like I just got back from a game of tennis. I know.

Anyway, it's Papa's bday 2mrw. Sketch him something every year. But can't be there to hand it to him this time. Sorry pa...

Always had a very peculiar relationship with my dad. Although most of the time, I can't even sit down and talk to him cause obviously both of us are strong-headed (I get the genes from him i suppose) but we always had the best conversations when the both of us are open to listen. I miss those moments especially conversations over dinner.

Papa has always been really strict since I was a kid. I used to remember not even bothering to ask him anything cause I'd already know that the answer would be 'no'. Hee... Yea... it was that bad. I think that's why I was really rebellious in high-school, skipping school, sneaking out and what not. At that time we quarreled a lot. Remember how I used to slam the door and just starve myself in the room. But the thing is, he'd always be there to pick me back up. Maybe not by apologizing (duhh...), but in some small gesture that just can't keep me from smiling.

After high-school, he became more open and trusting. He'd let me say my views though he thinks differently. And since then, I find it easier to communicate with him. Maybe cause he thinks I'm mature enough to handle a conversation. I don't know. But what I know is that most of the time, we don't even need to talk, but we still know that we have this really tight bond.

I don't think I tell him I love him enough. Only when we end our conversations on the phone which is like what.... once a week? Hmm... can't belive I'm tearing up already. Big girls don't cry. Laalala~

Whatever it is, I love you Pa! I know it sounds cliche, but you're the best dad a girl could ask for!

N-I-C-E

2009-04-04T14:53:00.002+08:00

"you've got issues la alyn"

what the ****?!

*fasting..... just gonna shut d hell up*

nice dude. just nice.

I'm not depressed

2009-04-03T17:20:00.002+08:00

I'm not depressed.

I just lack enthusiasm.

Haha~

first try

2009-04-02T13:33:00.004+08:00

okay. i'm trying to go with a different direction here. trying not to sound depressed like I usually do (though that's the only thing i'm familiar with).

lets see...

*thinking happy thoughts*

*thinking of more happy thoughts*

*channeling happy thoughts*

miss papa... aihs... don't think it's working. now i feel sad. aih....

*first try - FAILED*

Apparently...

2009-04-01T21:39:00.003+08:00

Apparently I have a boyfriend and apparently we look good together.

Apparently the both of us are in love.

.............

What? How come I didn't know?

Where was I?

Apparently, gossips spread faster than fire. And supposedly the last one to know would be the person gossiped about.

How cool is that?

Duhh....

where I stood

2009-03-31T17:45:00.003+08:00

I'm happy for you. Hope you've found what you've been looking for - the happiness I wasn't able to give.

"Cause she will love you more than I could. She who dares to stand where I stood"

a moment of silence

2009-03-29T17:08:00.003+08:00

all this while i thought that i've lost you. it's been so hard to talk to eachother without starting a fight or ending up sighing and wanting to give up even understanding. ran out of patience and toleration.

but then, who knew... who knew that we didn't have to say anything to make things better...

who knew that we didn't need words...

who knew that all we needed was just a moment of silence, an ounce of sincerity and zero judgement.

"Silences make the real conversations between friends. Not the saying but the never needing to say is what counts" - Margaret Lee Runbeck